I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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