I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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