he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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