Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
