upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
