Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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