Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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