You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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