I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
