Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
