The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize