I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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