I can tuck mytits in my pants
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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