Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
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