i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize