how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
