I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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