I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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