I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
