Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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