i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
