I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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