Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
