i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
