God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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