The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
