remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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