Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
