I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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