The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
