I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
