We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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