Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
