remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
