Having a random hookup so left but love u
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
