i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
