Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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