Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
