Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
