Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
