I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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