It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
