I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
