Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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