My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
