i don't like sucking hair
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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