i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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