I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
