I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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