i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
