I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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