where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
