My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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