Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
God I need to hump something, right now.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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