mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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