Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
