I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
