Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
