seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
