I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
